Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
