Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
