I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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