I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
