So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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