God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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