if only i could text you this smell
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
