cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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