And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize