worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
