that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize