This dress was meant to end up on your floor
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
