So gin and wine won't be happening again
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
