im about as happy as oj after his trial
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
