I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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