just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
