I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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