i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
