I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
