it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
