You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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