He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
