when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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