i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Found your dick twin last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
