xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You did what with his pubic hair?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
