I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
