I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize