don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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