I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
