U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
