It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
