he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize