I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
from now on my penis is your penis
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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