I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
