Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
