im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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