My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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