her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
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