I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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