I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
