I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
