i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My ATM looks so different sober.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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