We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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