So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
