You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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