he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
