i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
