Define "chronic" masturbator.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
