No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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