Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
