Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
