Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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